An online survey about TV just asked me if I was the head of my household. I kinda sorta think I am…

How to get a man to mop the kitchen floor

Place an unopened red wine bottle, preferably a not-very-tasty commemorative label from a past Tulip Festival, on top of the refrigerator, just precariously enough that when he shuts the door after retrieving a beer, the bottle topples off, shattering on the countertop before spilling on the floor, but not injuring your man in the process. Done correctly, this will leave a pool of wine underneath the oven and refrigerator and in the stove burner, not to mention shards of green glass all over the countertops and floor. For extra points, make sure the wine splashes inside all surrounding drawers, including the one with pretty dishtowels inside.

Gingerly step around the puddles and the broken glass and pick up a sponge to soak up the wine in the stove burner. (Put the chocolate ice cream you were on the verge of eating in the freezer for safekeeping.) Take your time, as your man should then kick into gear, wanting to protect your precious feet from the glass. He will retrieve towels (watch closely to ensure the use of old dark towels. Bonus points if you can get him to ruin towels of his you don’t particularly care for.) and a mop, perhaps a vacuum cleaner. He will pull the refrigerator away from the wall and mop up wine and glass along with all the lint that predated your residence in the home. He does the same with the oven.

Wipe down countertops, again taking your time, to make it appear as though you are carrying your load of the work. Shake glass out of towels while your man gives the entire kitchen floor a final mop-up. Put winey towels in washing machine and start. Sit down in front of television, you with your chocolate ice cream, him with his beer…and relax, enjoying a clean kitchen floor.

Published by Kari Neumeyer

Writer, editor, dog mom, ovarian cancer survivor

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